Surrendering Fear
By Kypris Aster Drake
For many years, fear has been the guiding force in my life. I have made choices over and over to prevent a thing from happening. Many times, I have made choices to keep the people in my life happy, out of fear that they won't like me if I act from a place of courageous giving to myself.
I sink into fear often. I am afraid my lovers will leave me, I am afraid that I won't have enough money to pay my bills, I'm afraid nobody will care for me when I'm ill. This last fear recently came to my awareness very strongly, while I was down with a flu bug. I wasn't really that sick, but my fear was still running me. I had a desire for comfort from another human being, and a deep fear that I couldn't have that comfort. The fear ran so deep that it was hard for me to even ask for what I wanted. As it happened that day, I was able to get my needs partially met, and having the needs met even a little helped my fear to recede a bit. Revealed by the ebbing fear was a deep sadness, something left from childhood I suppose, something about wanting to be fully and unconditionally loved and comforted when I'm sick. I didn't receive that unconditional and complete comfort this time, but for once I was able to take the focus away from what I didn't receive and realize that I had received something better—an awareness that a deep centering in myself is tremendously comforting. I noticed when I finally left my fear behind that a huge torrent of energy began to run through my body, and that this energy in and of itself was comforting and healing—that I didn't really need another person to exchange it with.
I can only think that this powerful current is a result of my daily practice of rooting into Earth and Sky. I sit in meditation and imagine that I am a tree, with roots deep into Mother Earth, and tall branches reaching up to the sun, moon, and stars. With these connections, I suddenly feel energy running through my body, centering me in my physical self, and in my heart. My healing partner, Steven, and I like to call this practice “reconnecting to self.” It truly feels that way, that I am totally centered in my own energy, and that at the same time I have powerful connections to the divine feminine energy of the earth, and the divine masculine energy of the sky. I relate to Earth and Sky in a very personal way—they are Mother and Father to me—they are always there, unconditionally supportive and loving. If I go within and ask, they will usually give me some guidance about whatever issue is perplexing me. That guidance and safety takes me to a centered place that is really the groundwork for working in a tantric partnership. I must be full and complete in myself to surrender fear and surrender boundaries, so that Divine Union is possible. Once that centering is established in two partners, the work together becomes deeper, more profound, and more healing.
Kypris teaches Temple Bellydance at The Village Witch. To learn more about Kypris click here.